Dick Rating: A Hilarious Guide to Sizes, Shapes, and (Un)Realistic Expectations

Introduction: Let’s Talk About It

Welcome to the most unexpectedly hilarious rabbit hole on the internet: dick rating. Yes, you read that right. Somewhere between the memes, TikToks, and unsolicited selfies, dick rating has emerged as the latest topic to leave us all scratching our heads (among other places).

Whether you’re here out of curiosity, personal research, or just hoping to kill five minutes, this is your one-stop guide to sizes, shapes, and why everyone should probably calm down about it. Spoiler alert: There’s no “perfect 10.” Unless, of course, you’re David from a certain famous statue.

Let’s go.

Size Does Matter…or Does It?

Let’s address the age-old elephant in the room. Or, rather, the banana in the fruit basket. Is size everything? Not exactly. In fact, science has our back on this one (and thank goodness, because it gets tiring holding in our stomachs). The average penis size is approximately 5.16 inches when erect. That’s right, gents. If you’re rocking something in that range, you’re as normal as pizza at a party.

But here’s where it gets funny. People talk about size like it’s a magic wand (pun intended). “Bigger is better” might work for TV remotes and burritos, but when it comes to anatomy, it’s about compatibility, not competition. Think about it: Nobody brags about how enormous their AirPods case is, right?

So, size might matter a little—but not as much as you think. Unless you’re trying to win a sword fight in the Renaissance.

Shapes: Bent Bananas, Eggplants, and the Unexpected

Now let’s dive into shapes, the unsung heroes of individuality. Some are straight as a ruler, while others have a charming curve that could qualify them for a Mario Kart race track. No shame in the game—it’s all about personality!

Here are some common types:

• The Banana: A gentle curve to the left or right. Great for steering during awkward encounters.
• The Pencil: Long and thin. Perfect for making notes…just kidding, don’t do that.
• The Eggplant: Thick and proud. Let’s just say emojis don’t lie.
• The Boomerang: Bent in unexpected directions. Makes you wonder if it’s coming back to you.

And let’s not forget the one shape we all fear: The Mystery Shape. It’s like a snowflake—unique but impossible to categorize. Just remember, whatever the shape, there’s someone out there who’ll love your masterpiece.

The Myth of the Perfect “Rating”

Ah, the mythical 10/10. If dick ratings were a sport, everyone thinks they’re Ronaldo when in reality, most of us are weekend league. Ratings are hilariously subjective, and what’s a “perfect score” anyway? Length? Girth? Presentation? Ability to perform a backflip?

Consider this: The world’s most famous statue—Michelangelo’s David—is admired globally, and let’s just say he’s not exactly breaking any size records. Confidence, proportions, and self-awareness are the real MVPs. So if you ever find yourself chasing a perfect rating, remember this truth: Confidence is the sexiest trait. Unless you’re wearing Crocs.

When “Dick Rating” Becomes a Professional Gig

Believe it or not, dick rating is a professional service for some people. There are actual humans out there earning money to give you constructive (and often comedic) feedback on what you’re packing. Imagine updating your LinkedIn profile: “Certified Dick Rater. Endorsed by Eggplant Enthusiasts International.”

What exactly do these professionals look for? Lighting, grooming, angles, and even…themes? Yes, someone somewhere is judging your selfie like it’s a 16th-century portrait. But honestly, if you’re bold enough to submit yourself to public scrutiny, you’ve already won the confidence lottery.

Take It Lightly, Laugh a Lot

At the end of the day, dick ratings are just another hilarious way humans try to make sense of themselves. Whether you’re team “Boomerang” or proud of your pencil-shaped Picasso, it’s all good. Confidence, humor, and the ability to laugh at yourself will always score higher than anything else.

And remember: The next time someone asks for your “rating”, just say, “Michelangelo didn’t need one, and neither do I.”